An honest talk

Let’s just cut to the chase: I have depression and anxiety.

I’ve dealt with both for years, and they’re freaking brutal. (Content warning for general descriptions of each. If you need immediate help, it’s available here.)

I’ve thought about writing this post dozens of times. I’ve tried at least four or five times. I’ve put it off because maybe it was too personal, or I wasn’t sure if I was ready to share that yet. It is personal, and I’m still not sure I’m ready, but I am sure that every person who is open makes it easier for someone else who might be struggling.

I was reluctant to name it as such for a long time, and had a long list of handy excuses. “This is probably just situational, if anything.” “It hasn’t been long enough to count.” “It isn’t bad enough to call it that.” “You’re just having a bad day/week/month/season.” “You’re just tired.” “You don’t have the qualifications to diagnose that.”

Saying it aloud or writing it down is a whole other level. What will people think? What if someone judges me? All of these are, unfortunately, real and valid concerns. But depression is just as real.

The first time I had a panic attack 7 years ago, I had no idea what was happening. It was utterly terrifying. The first season I faced real depression, I used to go outside and kneel in the grass in the middle of the night just hoping somehow that might make it better, might make it all hurt less.

I went to counseling sessions a couple of times at various low points, and it didn’t make it worse but also didn’t help much. I told myself I was surviving, and that if I’d made it through everything else then I could deal with these feelings too. I hesitated to give the names I suspected for what I was dealing with. After all, I’m not a doctor or mental health professional — who am I to self-diagnose?

And then 2020 happened. And a horribly stressful winter turned into a terrible, painful spring turned into a lonely, miserable summer. I spent a lot of time falling asleep early on the couch, or laying on the floor, or having to stop whatever normal thing I was doing because it was suddenly all too much, or there were awful thoughts going through my head. I’d been putting off setting up a new therapy situation first because making the phone call felt too daunting, then because we ended up in a freaking pandemic.

Until I didn’t.

I got set up with virtual therapy sessions in a blessedly simple system*, and for the first time was working with a therapist I actually liked, who actually got me. And dude, it’s been phenomenal. Nothing you do for your mental health — or with self-care in general — is a magic cure-all, and this is no exception. I still have to put in the time and develop the practices to make anything from a session helpful in my day-to-day life.

(Sidebar: I also want to note that I’m incredibly privileged in being able to afford therapy without much trouble, and am aware that’s not everyone’s situation. A lot of mental health professionals and services offer a sliding scale for payment, and your insurance or work may offer some coverage as well. Definitely use those resources.)

After several months of therapy and self-reflection as well as talking to my doctor, I decided to start taking medication to help with some of what I’d been dealing with. I was, like a lot of folks, apprehensive at first. I did a ton of looking into it. I talked with a few people I trusted for their perspective and experience. I questioned whether it was “bad enough” to warrant the step, and then realized that based on multiple years of consistently using the same assessment that doctors use, the results were pretty clear.

None of that made the nervousness go away of course. What did was the fact that within a few days of starting medication, I felt better than I had in months. Levels of difficulty I’d been so used to for years that I didn’t realize they could just ~not be there~ were mostly gone.

Again, nothing is a cure-all. I still have bad nights, bad days, even bad weeks.

Even with everything I’ve been doing to take care of my brain and body, I’ve still had panic attacks and breakdowns. But all of the resources and tools I’ve made use of have turned the difficult moments into hurdles, instead of waves pulling me under. Right now I’m actually doing the best I’ve been in a long time, but I’m not pressuring myself to make that permanent. That’s not how life works, and it’s certainly not how my brain works.

May is mental health awareness month. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 U.S. adults experienced mental illness in 2019 (2020 data hasn’t been released yet, but is likely to show an increase). Anxiety and depression were the most common, at 19% and 8% of U.S. adults, respectively. 17% of youth (ages 6 to 17) experience a mental disorder.** Mental health challenges — both temporary and chronic — are incredibly common.

If you’re interested in learning more or want to take a closer look at your own mental health, the National Alliance on Mental Illness and Mental Health America both offer great resources. I also did a blog post last year with some additional resources listed. Crisis resources and hotlines are available here.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, but can be much more difficult to discuss and uniquely challenging to navigate. I’m grateful to have had the ability to find better ways to care for mine, and know that each person who talks about it makes it easier for us all to be open, and to get help as well as care for each other.

If you’d like any more resources, let me know in a comment below or on Twitter @ohgrowup. Thanks for reading, and remember to take care of yourself.

*Not sponsored, but for those that want to know, I started doing therapy through BetterHelp but no longer do. I actually really enjoyed my experience, but it’s not for everyone. If you want more info feel free to contact me and I’d be happy to let you know what it was like for me.

**I only pulled from one source to make the numbers easy, but the numbers are supported by other studies, including Mental Health America and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

(Photo is a free stock photo because writing this post was all I’ve got.)

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Just getting by

Hey y’all. I know I haven’t made a post in a while. Admittedly, it’s not the top priority when it feels like the world is on fire and I’m just trying to feed myself and keep my head on straight.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s going to bring. Really, none of us do. But more stress and turmoil is almost guaranteed.

So today I just wanted to offer some things that can help when life feels like a lot, maybe even too much, to handle.

(If you haven’t voted yet, do that first! Resources here.)

Cover the basics

Have you slept enough? Have you eaten recently? Had a glass of water? Lowered your shoulders? Unclenched your jaw? It’s the little things, really.

Movies & TV

I have a list of comfort movies and TV that I watch when I need to just feel better. Some of my favorites are listed below, but of course there are treasure troves of streaming services out there.

• Favorite movies: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The Martian, Pride & Prejudice (2005), The Princess Diaries, The Devil Wears Prada, The Princess Bride
• Favorite TV: Schitt’s Creek, Brooklyn 99, The Good Place, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Friends

Reading, but make it escapism

I love reading, and usually try to challenge myself to mix in some serious and nonfiction reading between more popcorn fiction picks. But I was recently reading a short story collection that was, how shall we say, not helping. So I put it down for now and picked up a cute rom-com one of my best friends recommended instead. Read something that makes you happy 🙂

Do something with your hands

I go absolutely nuts if I don’t have something to do with my hands. Often that’s just fidgeting, but I also crochet and garden, and even cooking and baking help give my body and mind something to do so I don’t just spiral.

Move

If you can, go for a run, take a walk, or do some yoga — anything that gets your whole body moving and some endorphins flowing.

Breathe

I hate how often I forget this one. You can try a number of techniques, and I’ve found a few especially helpful

• Square breathing. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, out for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, repeat.
• Belly breathing. Breathe in deeply, filling your whole belly with air, then your chest. Exhale slowly, letting air leave your chest first, and finally your belly. Repeat.
• Literally just take 10 deep breaths (slowly).

Music

I put together this playlist to help when I’m feeling crappy, especially if I’m anxious. You might have your own playlist or album that you turn to, but there’s a lot of comfort to be found in a familiar melody.

I know all of this isn’t much to offer, but sometimes adulting is just getting by. What helps you out when life gets overwhelming? Let me know in a comment below or on Twitter @ohgrowup. Thanks for reading, and know that you’re not alone in this.

Photo is a free stock photo because, well, this is life right now.

Take a day

Some things have been falling through the cracks lately, and occasionally I have to wonder if one of those things is my sanity. I’ve wanted to write this post for a while, but haven’t had the “golden opportunity” to do so yet. But I’m tired of waiting for the perfect moment for pretty much anything, because for me that just means I keep waiting and waiting and then wondering if the best opportunity already passed by.

Here’s the thing: That’s how a lot of us treat days off. Uh oh, I said the thing. The American Dream and the Protestant work ethic are gonna come haunt me if I’m not more careful. Of course, that’s incredibly flippant, but I also mean it seriously. For so much of Western society, especially the U.S., taking a day off just because it’s what would be best for you is avoided and looked down upon to the point of being taboo. It’s irresponsible, wasteful, unrealistic, lazy.

And I really do understand that for some people taking a day off isn’t a feasible reality. When you have other people to care for and need to put food on the table, it’s not always an option. But your continued well-being is too important to be put on hold forever.

So I don’t care — take an hour off, a day off, five freaking minutes off. If you can feel that you are getting burned out, give yourself a break.

Signs of burnout include (but aren’t limited to):

• Irritability
• Exhaustion
• Trouble focusing
• Unpredictable appetite
• Trouble sleeping or getting up in the morning
• Worry/anxiety
• Prolonged periods of high stress
• Bouts of apathy

These symptoms can of course be indicative of other things, but if you’re feeling like this list nearly sums you up, it might be time to figure out where you can take a step back. Maybe that means skipping your workout or taking a mental health day. Maybe it means saying no to another responsibility or endeavor. Maybe it means staying in on a Friday night instead of going out. Maybe it means ditching your family or plans and just going for a walk or to the movies.

I am, historically, not great at this. My junior year of college was overwhelming to the point of taking a really big toll on my health, and I hit the lowest point I’ve ever been at. It was really difficult, but I had to change something. So I started going to counseling, and eventually took a few things off my plate. It wasn’t easy; counseling was way outside my comfort zone, and I risked further damaging an already uneasy relationship when I discontinued a large commitment I had taken on. I skipped classes sometimes, and renegotiated a big assignment with one professor so that I could spend time with an ailing family member.

And I didn’t get better immediately. I didn’t get better steadily. I still have awful days and seasons. But within a few months even I could see the difference, and other people went out of their way to mention it to me. Honestly I wish the adults in my life had been better at teaching me this in practice and not just words, but now that I’m an adult I’m trying to get better at it.

So please, if you feel like it’s too much, figure out the best way to give your mind or heart or body (or all of them) a break. Talk to your boss or your family or someone about where you’re at, and ways to lighten your load. Your future self will thank you, and there is no shame in making sure you have the strength to keep going. What methods have you found most effective at preventing burnout? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up. Thanks for reading, and good luck adulting!

More than useless

I was going to put up a cool post on travel today (don’t worry, it’s coming later), but honestly I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Why? Because I’ve felt like a genuinely crappy adult this week.

Monday morning I found a spider in my sock and, being really afraid of spiders, totally freaked. A rock hit my windshield on the way back from work and cracked it, so that had to get replaced. I was looking through job openings and found an entry level position that I would be a pretty good fit for — except they want a minimum 10 years experience. A friend invited me to her wedding and I don’t know if I’ll be able to go. And frankly, getting out of bed has been difficult.

My life isn’t that bad. It isn’t even bad. I have no need to substantially fear for my safety or basic needs, I have a job and people who care about me. Of course there are silver linings. But that doesn’t make the clouds suddenly not grey.

I really, really wish I had a good response to this. In 5 days or 5 months or 5 years I might. But right now I just know that tomorrow is worth it, and that (as much as saying it makes me uncomfortable) I’m worth it. For the record, so are you.

When you feel overwhelmed or like you keep screwing up, or just completely and thoroughly meh, here is my list of things that help:

• Drink water
• Have a snack
• Journal/pray
• Take a shower
• Write my way out
• Tactile hobbies (coloring, cleaning, crocheting, etc.)
• Tell someone I feel down — this gets it out of my head and out where I can understand it better
• Go outside (walking is especially helpful)
• Read a familiar book
• Listen to music (I have playlists for this, but I highly recommend “More Than Useless” by Relient K)
• Ask someone to sit close or for a hug
• Watch a small bit of TV
• Cook or bake something

Sometimes being an adult — or even being a human — sucks. If you’re stuck in a slump, try making your own list and using it to help make crappy days better. If it’s more than a slump and you’ve been feeling not yourself for several weeks or longer, consider talking to a mental health professional. A very significant thank you to my dear friend Kami for the list this is based on, and for reminding me to adjust it to what works best for me.

What have you found most helpful in getting through difficult stretches? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up. Thanks for reading, and remember that you’re probably better at this whole adulting thing than you feel.

Old stomping grounds

This weekend, I visited my college for the first time since graduating. Granted, it had only been 5-or-so months, but going back to somewhere you used to belong is a textbook example of strange. I didn’t know how much would have changed or if everything would be basically the same as it had been when I left.

The first thing I was forced to grapple with was realizing I wouldn’t be able to do it all in a short visit. There was no possible way to see everyone, eat at all the old places, take in all the old views, relive all the old times. On the one hand, that kind of sucks. But I’m pretty sure there’s a lesson in that somewhere, and learning to be content with doing less than everything is definitely something I need to practice.

Of course it was fantastic to be able to see so many friends and a few past professors — and it didn’t hurt to be close to the beach again (yes, I lived by the beach for 4 years). A few things had changed, but overall I was surprised that it almost felt like I never left. Almost.

Where I hadn’t expected to notice change was, frankly, in myself. I graduated less than 6 months ago, and my life hasn’t undergone any more big transitions, so it was odd to feel like somehow I had changed more than the place I left. But I have changed. I’ve become more sure of myself and less sure of where I’m at, somehow even more independent and determined. I haven’t necessarily become less anxious or forward-thinking, but I am more aware of how those qualities affect any given day.

Nostalgia was still a factor, and it will always be difficult to drive away from a place that means so much, with no idea when I’ll be back. But it also hammered home what I was pretty sure of when I graduated — I was ready to move on. It made the 4 years I spent there feel simultaneously near and small, and it made me wonder what I might be feeling similarly about in another 4 years. To quote my very favorite ‘80s movie, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Going back to a place that was home for 4 years reassured me that I didn’t miss out on life as it passed me by, but was also a big reminder that it does move fast and it doesn’t stop for anyone. I was talking with a good friend recently about major milestones in life, and emerging adulthood is a period when some really big ones can happen in quick succession. Each will be one to look back on, but more importantly a new place to move forward from.

What transition has felt the most significant in your life so far? Let me know in a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, or Instagram @oh.grow.up. As always, thank you for reading, and good luck adulting!

P.S. For all the amazingly kind people who brought up this blog over the weekend, you’re the best and I’m honored to hear your feedback. Thanks y’all.

You matter.

It will be another serious post today, but it’s one that is incredibly important to me. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

I imagine that each of us can think of someone we know who has been affected by suicide, depression, and/or self-harm. Some of the people I am closest to have been deeply impacted, and dark times have pushed me further down that path than I would like to admit.

According to the World Health Organization, nearly 800,000 people die by suicide every year, and it is the number one cause of death for those ages 15-29. Suicidal thoughts and attempts among adults are most common for those ages 18 to 25, according to statistics from Emory University. The suicide rate is higher among males, though the attempt rate is higher among females.

Hundreds of thousands of people across the world are dealing with depression; it is more prevalent among women than men, and has high rates among adolescents and the elderly. Approximately two-thirds of those who die by suicide were dealing with depression.

Unfortunately, there is no easy response to such profound pain. But there is always something we can do. I may not know your story or what you’ve been through, but I do know you matter. Your life and light and laughter are important, and you are capable of more good than you know. Pain isn’t trivial — it doesn’t go away overnight and honestly it might not ever fully disappear.

Maybe you don’t know anyone right now who is dealing with depression, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts. But someday you will encounter someone who is facing them. Maybe you do know someone who is in the depths of those challenges. They’re worth your help and your time. Maybe you’re the one who feels stuck and hopeless, or are questioning whether the fight is worth it.

You are worth it. You matter. Even when it feels like it, you are never alone. There are people who care about you more than you know. And if you can’t reach out to them for some reason, I’m here, always.

The bottom line is even when those thoughts creep in you have the power to choose kindness toward yourself. You have to power to reach out or look within (or both) and find the strength to treat yourself with compassion. You are made of stardust and hope and worth every new beginning and second chance that might ever come along, so allow yourself the time and freedom to take them. You’re worth putting the razor blade down. You’re worth stepping outside to feel the sunshine. You’re worth asking a friend to hang out. You’re worth another day.

In addition to those above, here are links to some resources below that offer information and/or help for those dealing with depression, self-harm, and suicide.

• World Suicide Prevention Day website, or go straight to their resources page
• The National Institutes of Health page on suicide, with resources for help at the bottom
• To Write Love on Her Arms is a nonprofit focused on helping those dealing with depression, addiction, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.
• More outreach and prevention organizations include the Kristin Brooks Hope Center, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and more.
• Friends, family, and nearby counseling centers can also be helpful resources. If you’re a student, most schools offer free or inexpensive counseling services.

I know this was somber, but I hope that it makes the light in the darkness a little easier to see, and that it encourages all of us to keep our eyes, hearts, and arms open to people who might be hurting — including ourselves. Thank you for reading, and you can always reach me through a comment below, on Twitter @ohgrowup, and Instagram @oh.grow.up, or through my Contact page if you’d rather not post publicly.

Honesty and terror are roommates

At least in my head. Honesty and communication are two of the most important values/skills to me, and when it matters most there is a 99.97% chance I will suck at them. And that realization in itself feels awful — especially considering I have a degree in the latter. (It only adds irony to remember that I graduated at the top of my major.) Most of it boils down to bad past experiences and moderate anxiety.

I don’t say all of this for sympathy or a pity party, because honestly I hate admitting it. I’m saying this so that hopefully it helps someone else.

Anxiety, or feeling like you’re doing terribly at the things you’re supposed to be good at, is really intimidating. And it’s a thing that in reality most people deal with, but often we try to compensate for it and almost never talk to other people about it. I really want to change that; it would be naïve to think it’s easy, but I have to believe it’s worth it.

So here’s the honest truth:

I feel incredibly insecure when thinking about/talking about/encroaching upon the subject of job searching. I get nervous and clammy and defensive and I usually avoid all of that by talking about it as infrequently as possible. I often feel like I’m poor at articulating myself in a normal conversation, and think most clearly when writing, which makes phone calls and important conversations more difficult than it feels like they should be.

So when it comes to having conversations about this in-between phase so many of us are at in life, particularly with people who aren’t in that phase, it can be difficult to feel like the conversation is worth the anxiety and potential misunderstandings. I’m not the expert, but I also have to remember that other people don’t always know where I’m at and talking about it is the only way to shrink that gap.

I don’t know what things make you feel anxious or intimidated, but I do know that talking about it with someone who cares about you can help a lot, and that fears start to get smaller when you face them. What fears do you feel like you’re starting to conquer? Let me know in a comment below or on Twitter @ohgrowup or Instagram @oh.grow.up. Thanks for reading, and I hope the week feels like a mountain you’re capable of climbing.